Kids, Life... Mid-Life Crisis Anyone?

[darkchylde28 | 1,546]

Honestly, if you don't want kids, don't have them, and don't let anybody make you feel bad about that decision.  I got married knowing that I didn't want kids and being clear about that, even though my wife did eventually want some.  Then, one day, out of the blue, I woke up and just had the feeling that I would be ok having one, and let my wife know.  She stopped birth control, and as long as it took to exit her system later, we had a baby on the way.  All of my friends and the people I knew were just flabbergasted, going, "You?!  What?!"  But, I just knew it was time when it was time.  You might get to that point, you might not.  Either way, don't worry so much about it and don't take any guff or guilt off of anyone who wants to coerce you into seeing things differently.

My dad passed away before I had my first kid.  And a couple of regrets that I have are that he never lived to see his first grandchild, as well as the fact that my kids came into this world and have grown up not having a grandfather.  At the same time, as sad as the thought makes me, I don't feel guilty about it because I know that I absolutely did not want children at that point in my life, and if I had, I'd have been an awful, shitty parent, and would in no way, shape, or form want to have inflicted that upon either of my kids.  You may very well end up in the same sort of situation, so think about it this way, if it helps.  Right now you don't have kids, and you don't want kids.  But if you did have kids, and didn't want them, think about how much worse that would be for everybody.  It might even get some folks off your back about it.

[RH | 5,220]

13 hours ago, Gloves said:

Based on historical data combined with average cost to raise a kid from 0 to 18, if you were to invest that money instead...

 

I think society will be happy to take my (extra) money to keep me going through retirement lol. It should absolutely not be on the kids to care for their parents in their old age.

I want to be clear, I’m not claiming that my kids (or future generations) are suppose to take care of me but we do live in a world (whether the US or Canada) that has instituted social security and socialized medicine.  The issue is one of ratio.  You might have $400-500k in the bank but when we have, say, 20 working adults supporting every 1 retired adult, that’s one thing but once it lowers to 15-1 or 10-1 or less, you will eventually have problems paying for elder care, unless you managed to save up and become “rich”.

I can’t save enough to afford for whatever ailments I might have (I’ve seen 7 grand parents die between my wife and I now, and I’ve seen how massive a drain that can be on wealth) and in the US my gut tells me that the left in the next 30 years is going to try and socialize our health system.  If we have more retirees and fewer workers, where does the finances come front to pay for the health needs of the elderly once it’s socialized?

 
Unless a younger generation “rebels” against the ideals of the current generation and desires to rebuild families and have more that two kids on average, we’re going to have problems subsidizing entitlement programs. That was my point.

[Code Monkey | 2,136]

There are a few things I should address here.

1. I've never wanted kids, I don't have kids and I never will have kids. I can't even stand being around other peoples' kids, they're loud, annoying, obnoxious, disgusting and just generally unpleasant. I understand how you feel.
2. People don't seem to realise how rude it is to ask someone else if they're going to have kids. I know someone that was physically assaulted so badly she is unable to have children but has always wanted them. As she gets older, people are asking her if she's going to have kids and the answer is that she would like to but can't. How do you explain that to a stranger? You should never ask someone that.
3. If there are things you can't discuss with your family, there's a separate issue existing here. Just because it's uncomfortable is not a reason to avoid it, you should better communicate to your parents what your decision is and how you're your own adult. They can have an opinion but should also respect anything you decide. Same with your siblings, you should be able to discuss AN'YTHING with them. Whether I was thinking of hurting myself or changing sexuality or any other large life decision, I know I can discuss that with my siblings without judgement. You should be comfortable with discussing anything with a loved one.

 

Funny story, when I was picking up my first Porsche, I was out in the parking lot completing the sale and someone walking by saw the car and came over to check it out. He looked at me and said, "Is this your mid-life crisis car?" I got super offended and looked at him to say something but then I did the mathematics in my head and realised I was 38 years old and yes.......yes, it was actually mid-life!

You should make your own decisions and not feel badly about them. Don't let anyone else cause you to feel badly about the decisions you want to make.

[CIB_Wholesale | 418]

On 3/25/2023 at 8:48 AM, AirVillain said:

Let's try this again.... a little less personal this time. 

I'm pretty sure I'm living through what would be known as a "mid-life crisis". In general, I'm doing okay with it, but every once in a while I have a "day" and it hits me really hard. That was yesterday/today. 

I'm approaching 40, no girlfriend, no prospects.... But that doesn't really bother me. It's more about not having someone to talk with... just about ANYTHING. There are things I can't talk to my brother/family about, stuff I can't talk to my friends about, and it just feels like I'm "missing" that companion. 

Or maybe I need better friends, haha. That's a start. 

Since I'm almost40 the question is always "are you going to have kids?". Thank god I don't have a girlfriend in that way, because that gets annoying fast. 

But I think I've come to the conclusion that I 100% do NOT want kids. This is what I can't talk to my parents about... I can.... but it upsets my mom because she's from the generation that thinks I'll be "missing something" if I don't have kids. I will eventually explain it to her and she will understand.

But... I don't WANT the responsibility. I can barely take care of myself for God's sake!!! 

I have a dog and if she is ANY indication of what having a kid is like then NO THANK YOU. I love my dog more than anything in the world and I took her back from my ex because she was thinking of giving the dog away. So when I took her back I was only going to take her back if she got all the love in the world, which she does.... but she's still a pain. For reference, she's a 7lb rescued Chihuahua from Los Angeles, so she doesn't handle the weather here in Canada very well. 

I don't give a shit about society's standards and "needing" to have kids.... but it's just a weird FINAL CONCLUSION to come to. But... I'm happy with myself for making a decision for ME. 

Anyone else...? It's all different, and maybe your mid-life crisis is a littler different, but I can definitely say.... I think this is it. 

 

 

getting your transaction feedback up will be the best way to solve all of these issues. if u go to garage sales and estate sales u find great people to work with

[Dr. Morbis | 2,121]

9 hours ago, RH said:

in the US my gut tells me that the left in the next 30 years is going to try and socialize our health system.  If we have more retirees and fewer workers, where does the finances come front to pay for the health needs of the elderly once it’s socialized?

The US is literally the only first world country that doesn't have fully funded public health care, and the rest of us are doing just fine.  Have you ever heard of Swedes or Fins or Germans or Canadians or whatever bitching about wishing we could have no public health care so we could all just fend for ourselves?  Of course not, because to devolve your country to the health care equivilent of an African nation like the US has would be assisine.   Seriously, every time I hear an American open his mouth about not wanting public health care, I just do this giant double-handed face palm.  Maybe stop putting billions of dollars into your military in an effort to try and force countries on the other side of the world to be more American, and you'll find a few extra bucks to take care of your own citizen's health ailments.  Just a thought...

Sorry for the political rant; I guess I got triggered... 

[Reed Rothchild | 9,957]

Trigger yourself all you want.  Pretty sure the Ukraine war has made it pretty clear who the world's big mean bad guys are, and just how much utility there is in formidable Western arms technology.  In fact, aren't they all jacking up their spending now?  Can't imagine why...

Also, wasn't it a coalition of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan?  Asking for a friend @FireHazard51

[Reed Rothchild | 9,957]

What was this thread about again? 

Oh, yeah.  @AirVillainthe solution is to buy a sports car or a huge truck.

[AirVillain | 534]

21 hours ago, Code Monkey said:

There are a few things I should address here.

1. I've never wanted kids, I don't have kids and I never will have kids. I can't even stand being around other peoples' kids, they're loud, annoying, obnoxious, disgusting and just generally unpleasant. I understand how you feel.
2. People don't seem to realise how rude it is to ask someone else if they're going to have kids. I know someone that was physically assaulted so badly she is unable to have children but has always wanted them. As she gets older, people are asking her if she's going to have kids and the answer is that she would like to but can't. How do you explain that to a stranger? You should never ask someone that.
3. If there are things you can't discuss with your family, there's a separate issue existing here. Just because it's uncomfortable is not a reason to avoid it, you should better communicate to your parents what your decision is and how you're your own adult. They can have an opinion but should also respect anything you decide. Same with your siblings, you should be able to discuss AN'YTHING with them. Whether I was thinking of hurting myself or changing sexuality or any other large life decision, I know I can discuss that with my siblings without judgement. You should be comfortable with discussing anything with a loved one.

 

Funny story, when I was picking up my first Porsche, I was out in the parking lot completing the sale and someone walking by saw the car and came over to check it out. He looked at me and said, "Is this your mid-life crisis car?" I got super offended and looked at him to say something but then I did the mathematics in my head and realised I was 38 years old and yes.......yes, it was actually mid-life!

You should make your own decisions and not feel badly about them. Don't let anyone else cause you to feel badly about the decisions you want to make.

Lots of good advice in here, thanks. You're correct on pretty much everything.

1. Agreed. Being around my nephew was slightly less so... but still.... 

2. Yeah, people are very rude and inconsiderate. Exactly why you shoulnd't ask is like your friend. You just never know. Just leave people alone and stop asking them personal questions, unless you're PERSONAL friends and are having that kind of conversation. 

3. It's not that I can't talk to my family about it... it's more the timing of it. I.e. My sibling just had their first baby and my parents are visiting them for an extended stay. And I visited them too.... so to talk to them about it RIGHT NOW would be kinda weird, haha. I have spoke to them in the past and lightly broached the subject, so I know it's fine for me to deal with.... just kinda awkward timing, haha. 

 

15 hours ago, Reed Rothchild said:

What was this thread about again? 

Oh, yeah.  @AirVillainthe solution is to buy a sports car or a huge truck.

Haha, well I'm not THAT into cars. Plus I'm not that loaded. More-so the latter  

I already posted this, but I'll shamelessly do it again for you Reed.... Since it was brought up, this has been my mid-life crisis purchase:

[Andy_Bogomil | 861]

My wife and I talk about having a child from time to time but we've come to the conclusion that having kids just isn't for us. I think we would be great parents and could support a child (even though the cost of just about everything is through the roof), but it's just not what we want. I am probably gonna get a vasectomy.

[darkchylde28 | 1,546]

1 hour ago, Andy_Bogomil said:

I am probably gonna get a vasectomy.

Should you do so, it's far less of a bother than most exasperated men make out.  I had to be put under for full on surgery due to some internal wiring issues, but for most folks it can be done right in the doctor's office and won't even be felt regardless of where it takes place.  I was prescribed pain medication afterward, but never experienced any pain.  They put me in a jock strap after surgery, and I wore that and some really baggy shorts the first day, then just went about my usual business (with the jock strap on) every day afterward.  I didn't even need or want the stereotypical frozen bag of veggies or ice pack, and was able to resume normal life from day 2 onward, save wearing a protective jock strap for a week or two afterward.  The only thing that freaked me out about the whole process was seeing blood on my boys the first time I showered afterward (can't remember when it was, but the doctor will tell you, and I don't think it's more than a day or two), then seeing the stitches clearly after the blood hiding them had washed off.  Sorry if this is sharing more than you (or anyone) wanted, but figured I would since I've been through the experience and can provide a firsthand account to dispel any of the myths surrounding the procedure.

For anyone curious, I got snipped not because I was "done" after two kids, but due to a sudden, unexpected health condition on my wife's part which would kill her if she ever got pregnant again (and the doctors wouldn't tie her tubes).  We were happy with two kids and not planning on any more, but I wouldn't have been heartbroken if we'd had a surprise further down the line had the health issue not put an end to the discussion.

Edit:  Note that I'm not saying there wasn't any discomfort at all, just no real pain, and certainly nothing that needed direct intervention via OTC or prescription medications, or even hot/cold compress therapy.  YMMV, but if the doctor does their job right and a person follows all instructions, they should have a very similar experience.

Edited March 27, 2023 by darkchylde28

[G-type | 2,815]

On 3/25/2023 at 9:48 AM, AirVillain said:

I'm approaching 40, no girlfriend, no prospects.... But that doesn't really bother me. It's more about not having someone to talk with... just about ANYTHING. There are things I can't talk to my brother/family about, stuff I can't talk to my friends about, and it just feels like I'm "missing" that companion. 

It doesn't really sound so much like a mid-life crisis as just being lonely. You can do some or all of these: join a club or meet-up group or maybe a fraternal organization. Find your equivalent of Cheers (Maybe a Barcade in your area?) Get a good therapist. If a gf or partner is something you want, I'd say 40 is a decent age to try dating... a lot of women who got divorced are back in the dating pool.

Some of those women might have kids, but I wouldn't let that scare you off. You're not really expected to take on any parental responsibilities.

On 3/25/2023 at 9:48 AM, AirVillain said:

don't give a shit about society's standards and "needing" to have kids..

I have kids, but I never really gave a shit whether other people do.  If that's a pressure you get a lot, I agree, that's kind of weird. 

 

On 3/25/2023 at 9:48 AM, AirVillain said:

I have a dog and if she is ANY indication of what having a kid is like then NO THANK YOU.

I have 3 dogs too. Kids are way more time and effort. Dogs, you can just scoop some food out of a bag... kids you gotta spend 30 minutes cooking for them, and then they don't want to eat it because it has onions in it.

Edited March 27, 2023 by G-type

[FireHazard51 | 2,105]

On 3/25/2023 at 2:34 PM, Gloves said:

I've been married for over 10 years now and neither of us want kids. We've talked a bit about maybe one day adopting or fostering, but certainly never planning to make new kids. 

Ditto,  not that we are 100% sure but it's really close to it.  We honestly just don't feel stable enough to take on a child.  I feel like that may be an issue of wanting to be 100% sure we can handle things and we'll never get that kind of certainty.  BUT we always have the option to adapt or foster.  Like there are fuck ton of kids who need a loving home (with tons of videos games ) and we could be that.  

@AirVillain if you start having a crisis over leaving a legacy or impact on this world after your gone but don't want to have kids.  You could always mentor kids or volunteer in an organization that helps foster skills or experiences for kids.  Part of me wants to retire from being an engineer and go back to my old high school to be a volunteer teacher/assistant teacher in a STEM related class.  Or I could just help work in an afterschool's program.  I hate to not encourage kids to take a similar career path as I did.

And for those worried about the declining birth rate dooming the economy like Japan and China.  Just remember immigration is an INSTANT surge of workers into the work force.  Japan and China don't have that option (immigration isn't a big enough thing in those countries to make an impact) which is why it's a massive issue for them.  Another modern country that has leverage immigration for economic benefit is Germany I believe.  I know other countries have lowered birth rates but countered with more immigrants.  I was listen to an NPR program discussing this issue a couple years back.  The reporter (cover economics) flat out said US will never have a workforce problem given how many people want to live in our country.  Also the massive change in age demographics to have a serious concern.  US isn't even close.  A lot of times the birth rate thing can be traced to nationalist groups trying to spread fear/hate at low "white" birth rates.  Hence them ignoring the immigration solution.  And what workforce employment issues we have is self inflicted as we can always lift immigration restrictions to fill those needs.  But it's never server enough to do that, have actual immigration reform.  

[FireHazard51 | 2,105]

@AirVillain you may also find a lovely partner who comes with some dependents who are not covered in fur .  You never know what the future holds.  Raising young children is a lot different than raising very young adults (aka teens).  I don't have first hand experience but I'm feeling very certain that there is a huge difference.  And if you for some reason what your DNA to live on there probably isn't anything stopping from you donating to a sperm bank.  Basically no matter what you want in life you can fill that want in some way so don't sweat it.  As long as you are good with what you want then fuck everyone else who wants things differently for you 

[twiztor | 919]

i turned 40 at the end of last year. it was a moment i had been dreading for over a year. Like, i seriously realized i was close to turning 39, which is almost 40, and i just had a hard time accepting it. At 40, i feel like you are officially old. you can't fool yourself into thinking you're young anymore. You are old. You just gotta deal with it.......Then i turned 40. Any my life proceeds just like it did before that date. I feel much better about the whole thing now. All that time spent worrying about it, and the result was no big deal.

I've been together with my wife for 15 years and married for ~10.  I was that guy in his 20s that was single while all of his friends were getting married and pregnant. I didn't necessarily want kids, but always assumed that i would end up with the right woman and we'd have some. Either way was fine with me. Met my future wife, she was 100% adamant about not having kids. Told me that very early on in our dating- she wanted to make sure that we would be on the same page so there would be no regrets or "what could have beens" in the future. I was fine with this, but also would have been fine if she had changed her mind (spoiler: she didn't). 

Not having kids has been great. i have plenty of friends and family around, so i was usually the 'cool uncle' who would play with the kids, get them all riled up, roughhouse with them, all that jazz. And when i was worn out, i could go home and just relax. Did i miss out on some of those moments like 'first words' and 'first steps' and 'watching them play baseball' and 'playing Mario with them'? obviously yes. but i'm totally fine with that. life is give and take. i've had plenty of fulfilling experiences that i wouldn't have gotten if i had kids. 

as for the "nobody to talk to" part, it's kind of up to you on how you want to handle that. Having real, good friends is a very solid approach. My wife uses this approach, with the added bonus that she gets along with her family well.  Joining clubs/social groups/volunteering is a great way to kickstart some relationships. I've met some pretty awesome people over the years due to this. But online friendships are real too. Whether that be on message boards like this one, or online gaming, or other forms of social media, i rarely see this brought up. Don't overlook this option.

[Reed Rothchild | 9,957]

4 hours ago, G-type said:

kids you gotta spend 30 minutes cooking for them, and then they don't want to eat it because it has onions in it.

"Please eat."

"I don't like spaghetti."

"It was your favorite food literally yesterday."

"Well I don't like these red things."

"THOSE ARE TOMATOES"

[Reed Rothchild | 9,957]

33 minutes ago, FireHazard51 said:

Ditto,  not that we are 100% sure but it's really close to it.  We honestly just don't feel stable enough to take on a child.  I feel like that may be an issue of wanting to be 100% sure we can handle things and we'll never get that kind of certainty

Not only will you never be 100% sure you can handle things, but if you wait too long you'll start to turn into a grandpa daddy and then they're really gonna start being able to outpace you.  I'm the youngest dad on the block and the rest of the dads are basically spectators at this point.  I'm the one who "gets" to have Nerf Wars and play capture the flag with all of the kids.

[Hammerfestus | 4,107]

Mine just spewed vomit all over his Taekwondo gi.  It reminded me of that time I stayed up with him all night while he literally coated the entire top floor of my house in puke.  Remember being a DINK? 

[twiztor | 919]

6 minutes ago, Reed Rothchild said:

Not only will you never be 100% sure you can handle things, but if you wait too long you'll start to turn into a grandpa daddy and then they're really gonna start being able to outpace you.  I'm the youngest dad on the block and the rest of the dads are basically spectators at this point.  I'm the one who "gets" to have Nerf Wars and play capture the flag with all of the kids.

my personal rule was that i didn't want to be that old man. I had a kid on my little league baseball team whose dad was early/mid 50s when we were in grade school. i told myself that if i was going to have kids, i wanted to be <50 when they graduated high school. seemed like a reasonable enough (yet still plenty of space to work with) timeframe.

Side note, i told the wife that i'd get a vasectomy at 40. what was i thinking? now i have to schedule that sometime in the next 6 months.

[FireHazard51 | 2,105]

6 minutes ago, Reed Rothchild said:

Not only will you never be 100% sure you can handle things, but if you wait too long you'll start to turn into a grandpa daddy and then they're really gonna start being able to outpace you.  I'm the youngest dad on the block and the rest of the dads are basically spectators at this point.  I'm the one who "gets" to have Nerf Wars and play capture the flag with all of the kids.

I had a college roommate who was 4 years younger than me (I'll be 40 this summer) and his dad was a fucking Korean War veteran.  His mom was like 20 years younger than this dad but yeah.  I remember looking at the photo of him and his dad and think it was his grandpa.  Go figure the kid ended up feeling like he grew up a generation too late.  He often commented about how he felt out of place with is peers because how his dad raised him.  Mostly around morals, beliefs, and manners.  I saw it too, he would of had no problems growing up in the 50's/60's.  

[FireHazard51 | 2,105]

4 minutes ago, twiztor said:

my personal rule was that i didn't want to be that old man. I had a kid on my little league baseball team whose dad was early/mid 50s when we were in grade school. i told myself that if i was going to have kids, i wanted to be <50 when they graduated high school. seemed like a reasonable enough (yet still plenty of space to work with) timeframe.

Side note, i told the wife that i'd get a vasectomy at 40. what was i thinking? now i have to schedule that sometime in the next 6 months.

That is a talk I need to have in the next few years.  Better sooner than later if the goal is no kids.

[Reed Rothchild | 9,957]

2 minutes ago, FireHazard51 said:

I had a college roommate who was 4 years younger than me (I'll be 40 this summer) and his dad was a fucking Korean War veteran.  His mom was like 20 years younger than this dad but yeah.  I remember looking at the photo of him and his dad and think it was his grandpa.  Go figure the kid ended up feeling like he grew up a generation too late.  He often commented about how he felt out of place with is peers because how his dad raised him.  Mostly around morals, beliefs, and manners.  I saw it too, he would of had no problems growing up in the 50's/60's.  

It's so true.  I have boy scouts tonight, and the twins' best friend's dad is like 15-20 years older.  I can connect with him with skiing, but beyond that it's pretty rough.  How the hell can he keep up with his boy is beyond me.

[G-type | 2,815]

3 minutes ago, FireHazard51 said:

That is a talk I need to have in the next few years.  Better sooner than later if the goal is no kids.

I had it done right after my fourth kid... 

[fcgamer | 5,015]

I was planning on heading to bed early, but saw this thread, read through it, thought I'd post a response before calling it a night. Sorry, it might get a bit long, but who knows if anyone can find anything I say to be of use.

I'm in the same boat as @AirVillain and @Link where I am single. I almost got engaged, twice, once after being involved in a relationship for 4.5 years, and then a second time when I was in a relationship for about 3 years. The first of these two relationships was the first serious relationship I ever had, and the second felt forced from the start, and I was put in a position where there wasn't an easy way out of the relationship so it ended up getting dragged on longer than it should have. The first relationship had a ton of problems - we were younger, immature, and inexperienced, but if we were just meeting up for the first time today, things would have worked out differently I am sure. The second relationship, well we remain somewhat friends, we could have coexisted perfectly fine in a marriage, but I wanted more than essentially a roommate that you tolerate and go to bed with at night. 

These two experiences made me realize that it is much better to be single than to be with the wrong person. I sometimes meet people I get on well with, sometimes I can score dates, sometimes they have boyfriends or just want something platonic or whatever; similarly, I've met a ton of people who are just not the right fit, no matter how nice they are, how attractive, how rich, how exciting, etc. While I would strongly prefer to get married to spend the rest of my life as a bachelor, I have come to terms with either outcome, and will just see where life leads.

I can definitely feel the pain when it comes to trying to make (or maintain) decent friendships. Ironically enough, a lot of the friends that I see the most often are quite a bit older than me. I'm fine with that, and I have learnt a lot from these folks, though it does sometimes suck not to have a lot of available friends around your own age.

The next bit doesn't necessarily relate to single versus married people, rather people and life in general - in my opinion, one of the worst things that a person can do in life is to become complacent, and sadly that is too easy to do. Towards the summer of 2021 (this was around the time that COVID-19 actually hit Taiwan and forced us out of work, IIRC) I was talking with my brother one day and he had mentioned how my father had said he thought I was more or less a "has been". Now, of course my father didn't actually say things in this particular way, but due to his autism, my brother didn't / couldn't see the shade of negativity painted by the word choice he used when relaying what he and my father had been talking about, regarding myself. It made me stop and think though, and it ultimately pushed me to stop acting like a log floating down the river called life.

Instead I decided to grab the reigns and I wrote a collection of short stories and a novella, published the first installment of Family Bits, started a company and also a music duo, built some simple furniture for my apartment, decided to actually put more effort towards my apartment, began exploring other potential new hobbies, worked on addressing my own personal issues, etc. The way I see it, added value is extremely important, after all we need to market ourselves whether it's at a job interview, attempting to attract a mate, etc.

Finally, a few other things I've found to be incredibly useful are as follows:

 1. At the beginning of the day I make a list of things I want to accomplish or get done that day. I generally put more things on the list than what I could possibly do, but looking at it throughout the day helps me to stay focused.

2. For things in life that I am not satisfied with, I make a plan or a roadmap to address the areas and also plan how to solve or remedy the situation. I've found writing these sorts of things down can help turn it into results.

3. I don't worry what others think of me. As @Code Monkey had mentioned, family should be there to hear your thoughts and opinions, friends should be too although obviously the ties are lesser. For example, while owning 5000+ video games might be excessive (and I agree it is), if someone finds this terribly unacceptable, then probably that person isn't worth your time, under the circumstance that the hobby isn't hurting you or others. My brother likes Frozen, so what? 

4. Finally, owning your mistakes. As we get older, taking responsibility is incredibly important imo.

To wrap things up, yeah getting older is weird, especially for those of us who are trying to figure it out solo for the time being; however, I personally believe that life is ascendant, and that tons of amazing things will happen way into our fifties, sixties, even eighties.

[Estil | 1,292]

I just turned 43 on the 22nd of this month.  So yeah count me in this little group as well.

And if there's one life lesson I've taken (that I don't think you hear about much) is this: Never take advice from or listen to someone who wants you to fail.

Edited March 28, 2023 by Estil

[Scrobins | 1,812]

Wish I’d seen this when it was first posted. OP, sorry you’ve been struggling. I can relate to what you’ve said.

I haven’t hit a midlife crisis yet, but I’ve had what I would call a quarter life and a third life crisis. During the former, about a decade ago, I questioned every decision, concerned that I was foreclosing opportunities and not following the “right” path. For the latter, which I went through in the last couple of years, I wondered whether I was stuck in the circumstances of my life as it existed. Was I happy with my job and are there opportunities to advance? Am I happy in my relationship, is this the person I want to be with?

Right now I am happy with my job. It affords me a level of comfort, in many terms from living well and feeling like I'm good at it, to being flexible and not too demanding that I don’t fee overburdened and am able to have a lot of other activities that make me feel like a well-rounded person.

I’m in a relationship now that brings me a lot of joy, but because of the age difference, biological kids aren’t on the table. Maybe adoption down the line. Perhaps because I'm a guy, and my parents are aware of my depression, I don’t get the kind of pressure that my sister gets, especially since she got married. I’m fortunate that I’m not pressured, and that people are happy to see that I’m happy.

But at the end of the day, people need to realize that life isn’t a race with required milestones that have to happen at certain times. While you can’t necessarily stop parents from asking about relationships and kids, friends are usually responsive if you tell them to stop. The only race you’re in is to reach happiness as you define it as quickly as possible. And even if you do want kids but aren’t in a position to have them one way or another, there will always be some kind of option. Adoption is always on the table. But even with biological kids, Cary Grant was 62 when he had his daughter.