Kids, Life... Mid-Life Crisis Anyone?

[AirVillain | 508]

Excellent discussion everyone, thanks. 

Great to hear everyone's stories. 

 

On 3/27/2023 at 12:09 PM, G-type said:

It doesn't really sound so much like a mid-life crisis as just being lonely. You can do some or all of these: join a club or meet-up group or maybe a fraternal organization. Find your equivalent of Cheers (Maybe a Barcade in your area?) Get a good therapist. If a gf or partner is something you want, I'd say 40 is a decent age to try dating... a lot of women who got divorced are back in the dating pool.

Some of those women might have kids, but I wouldn't let that scare you off. You're not really expected to take on any parental responsibilities.

I have kids, but I never really gave a shit whether other people do.  If that's a pressure you get a lot, I agree, that's kind of weird. 

 

I have 3 dogs too. Kids are way more time and effort. Dogs, you can just scoop some food out of a bag... kids you gotta spend 30 minutes cooking for them, and then they don't want to eat it because it has onions in it.

I hear ya... it has been weird spending so much time alone, albeit some on my own accord, I could have "gotten out" a bit more. Hopefully some sports soon....

haha, true about the food. And that's what I mean... it's already enough work for me to get the SAME thing out, haha, and she love it. Not sure my brain could handle the classic line  "I don't like onions." 
 

On 3/27/2023 at 4:41 PM, twiztor said:

my personal rule was that i didn't want to be that old man. I had a kid on my little league baseball team whose dad was early/mid 50s when we were in grade school. i told myself that if i was going to have kids, i wanted to be <50 when they graduated high school. seemed like a reasonable enough (yet still plenty of space to work with) timeframe.

Side note, i told the wife that i'd get a vasectomy at 40. what was i thinking? now i have to schedule that sometime in the next 6 months.

Oof... well, yeah.... I would be 40 byt the time any kid came along so I'd be 60 by the time they're 20. FUCK. 

So... 50 when they're 10 in elementary school. 

 

23 hours ago, Scrobins said:

Wish I’d seen this when it was first posted. OP, sorry you’ve been struggling. I can relate to what you’ve said.

I haven’t hit a midlife crisis yet, but I’ve had what I would call a quarter life and a third life crisis. During the former, about a decade ago, I questioned every decision, concerned that I was foreclosing opportunities and not following the “right” path. For the latter, which I went through in the last couple of years, I wondered whether I was stuck in the circumstances of my life as it existed. Was I happy with my job and are there opportunities to advance? Am I happy in my relationship, is this the person I want to be with?

Right now I am happy with my job. It affords me a level of comfort, in many terms from living well and feeling like I'm good at it, to being flexible and not too demanding that I don’t fee overburdened and am able to have a lot of other activities that make me feel like a well-rounded person.

I’m in a relationship now that brings me a lot of joy, but because of the age difference, biological kids aren’t on the table. Maybe adoption down the line. Perhaps because I'm a guy, and my parents are aware of my depression, I don’t get the kind of pressure that my sister gets, especially since she got married. I’m fortunate that I’m not pressured, and that people are happy to see that I’m happy.

But at the end of the day, people need to realize that life isn’t a race with required milestones that have to happen at certain times. While you can’t necessarily stop parents from asking about relationships and kids, friends are usually responsive if you tell them to stop. The only race you’re in is to reach happiness as you define it as quickly as possible. And even if you do want kids but aren’t in a position to have them one way or another, there will always be some kind of option. Adoption is always on the table. But even with biological kids, Cary Grant was 62 when he had his daughter.

It's all good, and thanks for sharing. I appreciate the kind words as well. 

I understand what you mean about questioning every decision. I think as I move on and get a job and maybe even a girlfriend, haha, that those things will start to ease. I'm glad you've gotten to a place where you're happy. 

It's a lot to handle in life, but at the end of the day there's a lot of us in the same boat. 

[doner24 | 1,207]

25 minutes ago, AirVillain said:

Oof... well, yeah.... I would be 40 byt the time any kid came along so I'd be 60 by the time they're 20. FUCK. 

So... 50 when they're 10 in elementary school. 

I feel attacked. 

[Reed Rothchild | 9,739]

1 hour ago, AirVillain said:

So... 50 when they're 10 in elementary school. 

This is common nowadays.  When I pick up kids from kindergarten, the parents are in their 40s and beyond.

Hell, I was just talking to a dad who was in his sixties, and his daughter is like 12.

[Hammerfestus | 4,004]

2 hours ago, Reed Rothchild said:

This is common nowadays.  When I pick up kids from kindergarten, the parents are in their 40s and beyond.

Hell, I was just talking to a dad who was in his sixties, and his daughter is like 12.

There’s something to be said for having kids later in life after you‘ve gotten your shit together and can provide them with the fruits of your labors.  It’s not 1960 anymore and I would not characterize having kids at like 23 to be a particularly responsible decision in all but a minority of cases.

[Reed Rothchild | 9,739]

8 minutes ago, Hammerfestus said:

after you‘ve gotten your shit together

Wait, people are able to get their shit together?  I feel like mine's only getting further apart at this point 

"Alright, we survived COVID shutdowns and public school"

"We've got puberty and our own 40's  on deck"

[Hammerfestus | 4,004]

15 minutes ago, Reed Rothchild said:

Wait, people are able to get their shit together? I feel like mine's only getting further apart at this point

"Alright, we survived COVID shutdowns and public school"

"We've got puberty and our own 40's on deck"

Relatively speaking.  Compared to drunk 5 nights a week, eating Campbells chunky on rice, driving a beater, 20 something me?  Yeah.  Shit together

[doner24 | 1,207]

8 minutes ago, Hammerfestus said:

Relatively speaking.  Compared to drunk 5 nights a week, eating Campbells chunky on rice, driving a beater, 20 something me?  Yeah.  Shit together

It’s definitely an interesting thing to think about. As a 41 year old that just had my first kid, I look around at some of my buddies that started their families young, and have their kids graduating high school, I’m a little envious of their freedom to travel and do whatever the hell they want with far more resources than I had when I was doing that in my 20’s. It is nice not struggling with things while taking care of a child though, which I would’ve been had I had children young. 

[Dr. Morbis | 2,105]

7 hours ago, Hammerfestus said:

There’s something to be said for having kids later in life after you‘ve gotten your shit together and can provide them with the fruits of your labors.  It’s not 1960 anymore and I would not characterize having kids at like 23 to be a particularly responsible decision in all but a minority of cases.

I couldn't agree more; I don't know if I've ever met anybody who I thought was ready for parenthood before the age of 25.  That ticking biological clock is only for women - us dudes can have kids literally whenever we want.

@AirVillain: don't worry so much about what other people think about your life decisions, there's no longer one single "perfect American dream" template to life for every single guy to strive for like there was in the 1950's; if you want to have a kid at age 60, do it!  If you don't, then don't! 

[TDIRunner | 2,822]

13 hours ago, Dr. Morbis said:

That ticking biological clock is only for women - us dudes can have kids literally whenever we want.

 

Interesting fact that I just recently learned.  John Tyler, the United States 10 president, who served from 1841 through 1845 has a grandson who is still alive today.  Yes, a grandson.  NOT a great grandson.  President Tyler had a lot of kids.  I believe more than any other president.  One of the kids was born while Tyler was in his 60s.  That kid eventually had several children including 2 in his 70s.  Those two kids were both alive as recently as 2020 although now only one of them is living.  

Can anyone imagine having a newborn while in their 70s?

Edited March 31, 2023 by TDIRunner

[AirVillain | 508]

On 3/30/2023 at 11:25 AM, doner24 said:

I feel attacked. 

Haha, sorry... My  sibling is 42 and usut had a baby so I get it. 

 

On 3/30/2023 at 12:01 PM, Reed Rothchild said:

This is common nowadays.  When I pick up kids from kindergarten, the parents are in their 40s and beyond.

Hell, I was just talking to a dad who was in his sixties, and his daughter is like 12.

Yeah... like I said by older sibling, 42, just had a baby. 

 

23 hours ago, Hammerfestus said:

Relatively speaking.  Compared to drunk 5 nights a week, eating Campbells chunky on rice, driving a beater, 20 something me?  Yeah.  Shit together

 

Now I feel attacked. 

I don't drink anymore though, thank god. 

 

15 hours ago, Dr. Morbis said:

I couldn't agree more; I don't know if I've ever met anybody who I thought was ready for parenthood before the age of 25.  That ticking biological clock is only for women - us dudes can have kids literally whenever we want.

@AirVillain: don't worry so much about what other people think about your life decisions, there's no longer one single "perfect American dream" template to life for every single guy to strive for like there was in the 1950's; if you want to have a kid at age 60, do it!  If you don't, then don't! 

I gotcha... it's not that I "worry" about what others think, I'm just glad to have made some decisions for myself. 

And it's kinda weird not being able to just straight up say to family "I don't want kids and want to get snipped" just because of the awkward timing. It's not that I CAN'T talk to them or am worried about what they think... just right now it would sound like I'm saying "good god I wouldn't want to deal with THAT so I'm doing the snippy snippy!" 

[AirVillain | 508]

3 hours ago, TDIRunner said:

Can anyone imagine having a newborn while in their 70s?

[Tulpa | 3,594]

3 hours ago, TDIRunner said:

Interesting fact that I just recently learned.  John Tyler, the United States 10 president, who served from 1841 through 1845 has a grandson who is still alive today.  Yes, a grandson.  NOT a great grandson.  President Tyler had a lot of kids.  I believe more than any other president.  One of the kids was born while Tyler was in his 60s.  That kid eventually had several children including 2 in his 70s.  Those two kids were both alive as recently as 2020 although now only one of them is living.  

Can anyone imagine having a newborn while in their 70s?

It's kind of like those Civil War widows who only recently passed. Apparently they married 80 year old dudes while they were in their teens.

[ThePhleo | 2,200]

On 3/31/2023 at 10:18 AM, TDIRunner said:

Interesting fact that I just recently learned.  John Tyler, the United States 10 president, who served from 1841 through 1845 has a grandson who is still alive today.  Yes, a grandson.  NOT a great grandson.  President Tyler had a lot of kids.  I believe more than any other president.  One of the kids was born while Tyler was in his 60s.  That kid eventually had several children including 2 in his 70s.  Those two kids were both alive as recently as 2020 although now only one of them is living.  

Can anyone imagine having a newborn while in their 70s?

My oldest cousin is older than my youngest uncle.

My youngest cousin is younger than my oldest nephew.

It happens

Edited April 3, 2023 by ThePhleo

[Code Monkey | 2,063]

My sister-in-law got pregnant at 19 and there was all the talk of how her life was over and it was a terrible mistake. Now she just turned 40, she's still married to my brother and their daughter is 19. They're free to travel and do whatever they want.

However I also remember stories of them rolling pennies to pay for diapers and working 3 jobs at once so nothing is ever perfect.

[AirVillain | 508]

On 3/31/2023 at 1:52 PM, Tulpa said:

It's kind of like those Civil War widows who only recently passed. Apparently they married 80 year old dudes while they were in their teens.

 Crazy how that used to be "normal". Fucked up. 

 

On 4/3/2023 at 7:43 AM, ThePhleo said:

My oldest cousin is older than my youngest uncle.

My youngest cousin is younger than my oldest nephew.

It happens

My first cousin's kid has had a kid, who is 5 years older than my nephew... and I don't even know what that means. 

 

On 4/3/2023 at 1:51 PM, Code Monkey said:

My sister-in-law got pregnant at 19 and there was all the talk of how her life was over and it was a terrible mistake. Now she just turned 40, she's still married to my brother and their daughter is 19. They're free to travel and do whatever they want.

However I also remember stories of them rolling pennies to pay for diapers and working 3 jobs at once so nothing is ever perfect.

Yeah, no doubt people make it work.

There's lot of people who don't though, and it's sad for those kids. Nobody wins if the kid is being neglected and the parents aren't happy. 

So.... I don't want to roll the dice on that. Kind of a deal breaker. 

Also, I'm 40 now, I can't wait until I'm 60 to travel!!  

[AirVillain | 508]

Everyday I wake up I think "Oh god... I have to feed myself AGAIN!?" ... it's tedious. 

But alas, here we are. Sunny day today so at least there's that. 

[phart010 | 1,741]

On 3/25/2023 at 11:33 AM, BlackVega said:

If we talk about the topic of having kids then yes this is a tough one. My take is I believe you can decide 100% to have or not to have kids. Well, sometimes there are situations where you go too fast and you end up having a kid, meaning if you get a kid this is essentially your fault. Getting your sh1t together is the most important thing of all so if you can't get to take care of yourself then how are you supposed to take care of someone else? Maybe that's for the better. Even taking care of animals takes a lot of responsibility and genuine kudos for you for doing it. I get it sometimes people say something like "everyone should have kids". What sort of a shitty obligation is this? Besides, as I said you can choose not to have kids and decide if you want to have a partner or not and you can get to the point where you are perfectly happy either way

By the way, let's take a look at this graph. Do we need even more on this planet?

Also a message to the author of this topic: if you wanted to hear my take on having kids then there you go. Other than that, I have no idea what your other struggles are. I'm just unable to guess unless you tell us

Although the world population has been growing isnthe past, the current projections actually show that based on current birth rates and demographic trends, the world population has already begun contracting. In fact, the rate of contraction is so great that it is actually potentially going to be a crisis since (absent automation and incredible gains in productivity) a society required a large base of young people to be in the workforce to produce the goods and services that are consumed by the elderly retired population.

Japan currently has a population crisis. The Japanese did not innovate and automate because they a smart people, they did so out of sheer necessity. Without automation, they would not survive as a society, or at least with anything close to the same standards of living that they were used to.

Most developed nations are following in the footsteps of Japan demographically. We are just a few decades behind them. If anyone is interested, I can put up some graphs to show how this works 

Edited April 18, 2023 by phart010

[Tulpa | 3,594]

Yeah, current projections seem to indicate that the world will top out at about 11 billion people, then cool it on the increase for awhile.

Humans are a resource, and we're actually managing to reduce hunger year after year despite increasing population. Proper housing can be an issue, though not for lack of space (we have enough space and buildings, we just don't utilize them worth a damn.)

We're nowhere near a Soylent Green situation.

[phart010 | 1,741]

35 minutes ago, Tulpa said:

Yeah, current projections seem to indicate that the world will top out at about 11 billion people, then cool it on the increase for awhile.

Humans are a resource, and we're actually managing to reduce hunger year after year despite increasing population. Proper housing can be an issue, though not for lack of space (we have enough space and buildings, we just don't utilize them worth a damn.)

We're nowhere near a Soylent Green situation.

Im not saying it’s gonna get that bad. But what will happen (unless we come up with a solution) is standards of living will decrease.

You have a baby boomer generation, (the largest demographic population) that has  fully entered retirement around 2021. They went from being net producers (making stuff and saving money) in the work force to net consumers (making nothing and consuming even more stuff).

Its supply and demand. This large population is now consuming. The people entering the workforce are a shrinking population and they are simply not replacing the amount of people leaving the workforce via retirement. More consumption and less production means prices for stuff goes up. 

The rate of workforce population reduction due to shrinking population is like 600-700k people each year. By 2025 that will be 1M per year. The two solutions we have are to increase production by automation. Or we need more skilled immigrants to enter the workforce, like RIGHT NOW.

I think that it would be fine if the population reduced a bit, but a sudden dropoff like we are seeing can send shockwaves through society.

Edited April 18, 2023 by phart010

[phart010 | 1,741]

@AirVillainI don’t like to assert life advice, but since your inviting us: only get into a permanent relationship if you want to be in it. You’re better off single than in a bad relationship. Only have kids if you are intending to stay in a permanent relationship, and you both want a kid  and are committed to raising a kid together. 

It’s a huge commitment, lots of work and you can’t undo it. But it’s also the extremely rewarding.

It’s fine if you don’t want to commit to these things. Your life is your experience, better make it what you want it to be. But if you ever change your mind, there’s always options, yea even if you’re old (even more so if you’re a guy). If you ever do change your mind about kids, don’t let your age turn you off. Just hit the gym and get young again. Your kid will still love you even if your old and that’s all that matters 

[cartman | 195]

Legacy don't really exist. Future generations make an independent choice anyway, and it's dubious whether they even known who some great grandfather was at all. It's not like i'm upholding some pact with my forefather: for all intents and purposes the peak of what he could be for in my life is a curiosity written down in some old document.

Besides the lineage will one die off regardless. Someone else will not want to have kids or the kid dies before he reproduces etc.

 

 

[AirVillain | 508]

17 hours ago, phart010 said:

@AirVillainI don’t like to assert life advice, but since your inviting us: only get into a permanent relationship if you want to be in it. You’re better off single than in a bad relationship. Only have kids if you are intending to stay in a permanent relationship, and you both want a kid  and are committed to raising a kid together. 

It’s a huge commitment, lots of work and you can’t undo it. But it’s also the extremely rewarding.

It’s fine if you don’t want to commit to these things. Your life is your experience, better make it what you want it to be. But if you ever change your mind, there’s always options, yea even if you’re old (even more so if you’re a guy). If you ever do change your mind about kids, don’t let your age turn you off. Just hit the gym and get young again. Your kid will still love you even if your old and that’s all that matters 

All solid advice.

But yeah... I'm staying single until I find someone and it will be clear that I don't want (can't have ) kids. Because I'm not going to get into a relationship with someone who wants or has kids (been there). 

Imma hit the gym for me, and be good with that. I don't want the responsibility of another human being and I'm more comfortable knowing that than thinking of "maybe" having kids.

But if I were thinking about it, then yes... all solid advice, thank you. 

 

8 hours ago, cartman said:

Legacy don't really exist. Future generations make an independent choice anyway, and it's dubious whether they even known who some great grandfather was at all. It's not like i'm upholding some pact with my forefather: for all intents and purposes the peak of what he could be for in my life is a curiosity written down in some old document.

Besides the lineage will one die off regardless. Someone else will not want to have kids or the kid dies before he reproduces etc.

Well said.